Another thing I thought about is Livejournal and how I write here sometimes when I'm upset. It is somehow relieving to let things out, and this is something a lot of people already know, and may be the main reason journals and diaries came to be, but now that there are weblogs I think it may serve a different purpose. I have never really kept a private journal. I've had them but not really written in them. I used to actively post to LiveJournal all the time, though, and most of my entries are public. I wonder if there is something about people seeing them that makes me feel alleviated. Maybe I feel like others are sympathizing with me or something. Sometimes that's stupid though. Right now if I write about Mary and what is going on it may be yet another passive-aggressive attack on her. I could write about how I'm feeling and what I'm thinking and then she might read it and see it and feel bad or feel insulted. Then again, I could write the same thing but make it private so it still is said but she doesn't see it. I don't think she will read this anyway, at least not any time soon, so what if other people are reading it? When I write my posts, am I writing them to myself, to no one, to my friends, to everyone who may see them? It's kind of interesting and makes me think of the quote about how the true measure of goodness is doing something for someone else when you know that no one is watching. Would this be as relieving if it were posted privately? If not, then why not? Am I just looking for sympathy or pity, or am I actually trying to express my feelings?
Well, I'm not sure if I'll be writing much about what is actually happening, but Mary just texted me that she is "more upset than she has ever been about our relationship". I'm also not sure how I am going to handle it when/if she calls me tonight to talk about it. I fought back with her for once and that must have contributed in some way to making her as uspet as she is, but I don't know. I've always been better at writing than at talking. If she calls I will probably freeze up like a jackass like always, but maybe not. I ran out of my Celexa, so I have been more depressed lately, and therefore more lethargic and unmotivated, but still managed to get done what I tried to kinda. I don't know if this shittiness will somehow allow me to talk better without crying but I was almost crying at work just thinking about it. I don't know. Is this how I've always written? Nothing but jumbled speculations and "I don't know"s. I guess it is because it is kind of how I think. Such an unfocused mind. Wandering mind.
I just googled that and it says that wandering/daydreaming minds tend to be unhappy. Hmm weird.
Anyway I think that is enough for now. The bed beckons.